#grad student problems

I have been working on a case study for one of my graduate classes for about two and a half months now. I’m working with Beowulf - yay medieval – however, despite my incredible interest in the depictions of women throughout the poem (especially Grendel’s mother), I continue to hit road block after road block. My original idea was so overdone that within an hour of beginning my research, I had to abandon it. From there, I read and read attempting to inspire an idea or original thought. Nothing.

Every time I feel the muse of literary studies has struck, I get this incredibly excited feeling and run back to the databases for some focused research – only to find that someone has beaten me to it and already published an article with my same thesis. Boo. So much for original thought. I’m sure the fact of Beowulf‘s immense popularity in English studies is no help for me right now, and I fear that I will read and read and read and never see anything that hasn’t already been seen. Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

In some sense, I feel like this problem is a microcosm of the larger experience of PhD study. Doctoral students hunt and hunt and hunt to make a tiny contribution to the collection of human knowledge, a tiny bump at the edge of the collected work of billions who have gone before them. It can be discouraging (and I’m not even looking for a dissertation-worthy new idea, just a measly little conference paper idea). Scary. Yet, I suppose that part of the enjoyment comes from the frustration – the desire to leave my own mark (however tiny) in the field I’ve chosen to dedicate my life to. No one thinks exactly like I do, so eventually, my mind will notice something someone else hasn’t. Eventually it will happen, and my tiny bump will begin to form. I may not see it yet, but much like my attitude toward gaining admittance to a PhD program, I feel that life and fate will guide my thoughts. I believe that it will happen, that I can change the world, that I will find what I need to continue.

On that note, I’m back to the databases for some reading. Wish me luck and creative thoughts.

Scaredy Cat.

You know that nagging feeling that tells you you could be doing so much more with your life? That little voice that’s always in the back of your head? I’ve been trying to kill mine for a while now. I thought I’d succeeded, and maybe I did…. maybe more likely I just scared it away for a little while.

However, I think he sent in his evil twin brother as backup – that nagging little feeling that tells me maybe the reason I’m not doing more with my life is that I can’t, that I’m not good enough, that I can try, but I’ll only fail.

I want my old voice back. Old nagging “you’re being lazy; do something worthwhile and stop procrastinating” voice, please come back to me. I’d take you over crippling self-doubt any day.

William Shakespeare wrote: ”Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt” (Measure for Measure). This simple idea rings so true, especially for me, a girl afraid of everything, even my own dreams.

I recently started a book that I’m hoping will change my life (or at least inspire me to change it myself), and I came across this passage:

They liked to talk about their dreams, but in the end, they left them just as dreams. They didn’t know …. that dreams are in fact realities waiting to happen. But they don’t wait forever.At some point you have to help them make the transition. Or eventually, they just fade away.

– John Strelecky, Life Safari

Again, true words. And they made me realize that being scared is silly, that I may fail, but failing would be so much better than sitting by and letting my dreams “just fade away.” I can deal with failure; I’m tried and true on that front. I’m not so sure I’d ever be able to cope with allowing my dreams to die. I don’t want to find out the answer to Langston Hughes’ age-old question.

It won’t happen overnight, and I’ll probably still be scared a lot. But, at least I won’t have to say I never tried.

Fortunes.

Desire Path via TransLeadership

Tonight my family and I went out to get Chinese for dinner. After dinner we all opened and shared our fortunes with one another. They made us smile and chuckle and tease one another, but with my family these are pretty common occurrences anyway. Reading my fortune (“Every good friend was once a stranger.”) and hearing my parents delight in “how perfect it is for me right now” reminded me that life has a funny way of steering us back to the paths we need to follow and encouraging us when we’re feeling helpless and a little lost. I recently read a post about “desire paths,” and the idea fascinated me. The post I read talked about education and creating connected, digital classrooms, but my own musings focused on the broader interpretation – the idea that we can go through this life living the life others tell us to lead or we can simply create our own ways. It’s as easy as stepping off that comfortable, safe, paved pathway – the acceptable pathway, the one on which we’re supposed to stay.  We can admire the grass, but we dare not walk through it. The post I read spoke of Walt Disney and his views on desire paths, but I am reminded of a quote by one of my favorite authors:

“Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

It seems clichéd and simple, but so often we forget how easy it is to become trapped in societal and family standards.  Others, who may truly have our best interests at heart, want certain things for us.  They believe they know best, that they are looking out for us, but in reality, the constant pressure to remain on the “acceptable” path can be stifling.  It can force even the guards on the King’s College lawns to set foot upon the grass, to walk where there is no path. Perhaps the best and the healthiest thing any one of us can do is to break free of that restriction, to finally untie the bonds that hold us where others believe we should be.  People may call us crazy at first, but eventually, they may understand.  Eventually, they may pave our paths. My path.

Diversion

I have diverted from my original reading list for the summer.  After finishing Eat, Pray, Love, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and Wuthering Heights, I was supposed to begin rereading The Catcher in the Rye, one of my all-time favorite books, but I, instead, opted for a new read.  I figured now is my chance to read the books that have been sitting on my shelf forever waiting and wishing to be opened.  Although Catcher will have to wait for me to revisit its pages, The Truth Will Out: Unmasking the Real Shakespeare has finally felt some love.  This book has been sitting on my shelf for a while now, and after registering for a Shakespeare seminar in the Fall, I figured there was no better time than the present to crack it open.  I’m about halfway through and am 100% happy with my decision.

As an English major, bibliophile, and anglophile, I have, of course, always been a fan of Shakespeare.  I think it’s a graduation requirement for all English majors, especially those looking to pursue a career in academia, and even more especially those wishing to pursue a career in academia focused on Medieval and Renaissance British literature.  For the previous sentence, read: I’ve done my fair share of reading about Shakespeare.  This book, however, offers a whole new perspective.  The authors posit that Sir Henry Neville is in fact that “real” Shakespeare and set out to prove (quite convincingly, I might add) that he wrote the many plays attributed to the world-famous, Stratford-born William Shakespeare.  Their research and hypothesis has introduced me to a whole new facet of Shakespeare’s plays and has made me revisit some of my favorites in a new light.  Repeat: I am 100% happy with my choice to venture into the unfamiliar “I’m reading nonfiction for fun” waters.

I also can’t wait for next year.