So it begins.

Tomorrow, Fall Semester 2012 officially begins. It’s crazy. I can’t believe it. I’m in denial.

I’m even more anxious because this is my last year here at this school, in this program, in this state. I can feel the year slipping through my fingers already. If last year is any indication, this year will be over before I even blink, before I even realize.

I was chatting with a friend today about the stress of moving and realized that I’ll be moving again all too soon. Hopefully this change will come with wonderful blessings. Hopefully I’ll get into that PhD program I so desperately want to attend.

Hopefully I’ll be able to appreciate this year on its own merits and won’t spend the whole thing planning for the next step.

Hopefully my students will behave tomorrow, and hopefully I’ll be able to help them develop as young writers and scholars.

It’s kind of an interesting phenomenon being a student and a teacher at the same time. Sure I’ve done it before, but with younger kids, high school and middle school kids. Somehow this situation feels different. I feel prepared and excited, but also a little anxious I suppose. 

Maybe it’s just because the first day of classes falls on my birthday this year. That hasn’t happened since I turned twelve.

Lessons Learned

The past two summers have been full of realizations.

Last summer, I learned:

- accomplishing that goal you’ve been working toward is indescribably fantastic

- graduation hats look good on no one

- Mom really is right, about everything

- letting my guard down isn’t always such a terrible thing

- the last person you think will change your life does

- you don’t know what you need until you find it

- being spontaneous helps to free the soul

- throwing yourself 100% into something, while scary, is worth it every time

- laughter and tea cure everything

- opening myself up to someone truly and completely won’t kill me

- best friends are indispensable and irreplaceable

- growing up is tough, and relationships are tougher

 

This summer, I learned:

- letting go is one of the hardest things to do

- fresh starts don’t always come when you need them

- trust, once lost, is nearly impossible to replace

- distance doesn’t matter when friendship is true

- new places have hidden treasures

- fear can be overcome

- meeting new people can be inspiring

- beginning a new life in a new place where you know no one is the best way to discover who you are

- dishwashers are enviable luxuries and central AC should come standard everywhere

- kittens grow up, and dreams change

 

A picture is worth 1000 words.

And, I have two to share with you today.

First, this little saying made me stop and think when I came across it this afternoon:

This one, though not technically a picture, describes my current situation in life:

Again and again.

Once again, I’ve let my bog lapse off into nothingness for almost a whole month. Summer is just crazy for me; I don’t know how to handle having nothing to do. Rather than making me more productive, it just puts me in a rut where I don’t want to do anything. I need structure and schedule in my life. I spent the last four years of my undergrad completing what should take a person about 8 to 10 years. I lived for structure, pressure, deadlines. Now, I just sit around. I read a little here and there and get myself addicted to a new TV show every week.

It sounds blissful, but really, it sucks.

So, today, I decided to break out of that rut. I revised and submitted a paper for publication. Wooohooo. Only 3 more to go. I also made plans to begin a weekly study session with a friend of mine in order to prepare for the GRE subject exam in the Fall. Sounds exciting, right? Well, it is to me.

PhD applications, here I come!

New Beginnings

Today I got my hair cut. Very cut. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time now, and today, I finally did. It feels good, like turning over a new leaf, beginning again. That’s what summer’s for right?

This summer is actually beginning to remind me of last summer. Last summer was full of plans for big changes, so is this summer. As I work more and more on preparing PhD applications, I feel more and more like … well, I don’t really know what I feel like exactly, but it’s definitely something. Maybe it’s the fact that this is my last (and first, and only) summer in this town that reminds me a lot of last year. My life couldn’t be more different now than it was a year ago, in just about every way, and as much as I’ve been wanting to return to last year for several reasons for a little while now, today, I decided that I wouldn’t make that exchange in reality. I’ve grown and changed so much over these past nine and half months. Last year me would not recognize this year me (and not just because of the new haircut).

I think it’s a good thing.

Unfortunately they’re gone.

I just ate the last of my Easter candy as I sit here on the couch watching Harry Potter Weekend on ABC Family. Normally, I would feel bad about myself just wasting my days sitting on the couch doing nothing, but this is my nothing week – the week immediately following the end of Spring classes. Every year, I give myself the first week of summer to do nothing, to just sit on the couch and watch hours of mindless tv (or, in this year’s case, Grey’s Anatomy and Harry Potter). After this week, I start on my summer projects. I’ve got quite the list this summer:

1. finish the scarf I started crocheting last summer

2. learn to read French

3. review my Latin skills

4. complete PhD applications (or as much of them as I realistically can)

5. revise 3 papers for publication, edit my undergraduate thesis for presentation, and write the paper I’ve been mulling over since Christmas

Anyway, I digress from my original point of departure: Easter candy. I never realized how much I liked Easter candy until my endless supply of it was gone. I’m usually not a major candy person. I don’t like intense sweets. My friends used to (eh, whom am I kidding, still do) make fun of me all the time when we go out for ice cream. I’m always the one asking for the raspberry sorbet or the mango sherbet. I’ve been told these do not qualify as “real ice cream.” But, once again, I digress. What I intended to say about 150 words ago is that I kind of love jelly beans – not the normal jelly beans, though, not the ones that are huge and taste like nothing but freeze-dried sugar. I love the fancy jellybeans – the ones that have flavors – like Starburst brand or Jelly Belly. Oh, man, do I love them.

The problem, however, is that unless it’s Easter time, these fancy jelly beans are either a) impossible to find or b) $96 a box. I guess I’ll just have to wait until next year. Maybe for graduation, I’ll just get a huge tub of fancy jelly beans. That’d be nice.

Diversion

I have diverted from my original reading list for the summer.  After finishing Eat, Pray, Love, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and Wuthering Heights, I was supposed to begin rereading The Catcher in the Rye, one of my all-time favorite books, but I, instead, opted for a new read.  I figured now is my chance to read the books that have been sitting on my shelf forever waiting and wishing to be opened.  Although Catcher will have to wait for me to revisit its pages, The Truth Will Out: Unmasking the Real Shakespeare has finally felt some love.  This book has been sitting on my shelf for a while now, and after registering for a Shakespeare seminar in the Fall, I figured there was no better time than the present to crack it open.  I’m about halfway through and am 100% happy with my decision.

As an English major, bibliophile, and anglophile, I have, of course, always been a fan of Shakespeare.  I think it’s a graduation requirement for all English majors, especially those looking to pursue a career in academia, and even more especially those wishing to pursue a career in academia focused on Medieval and Renaissance British literature.  For the previous sentence, read: I’ve done my fair share of reading about Shakespeare.  This book, however, offers a whole new perspective.  The authors posit that Sir Henry Neville is in fact that “real” Shakespeare and set out to prove (quite convincingly, I might add) that he wrote the many plays attributed to the world-famous, Stratford-born William Shakespeare.  Their research and hypothesis has introduced me to a whole new facet of Shakespeare’s plays and has made me revisit some of my favorites in a new light.  Repeat: I am 100% happy with my choice to venture into the unfamiliar “I’m reading nonfiction for fun” waters.

I also can’t wait for next year.