Sometimes things hit me like brick walls. Some might call me oblivious; others, stupid. But, case in point, my true emotions sometimes take a while to reveal themselves. Today was one of those revelation-type days. I finally received my official student number from Seton Hall, paid my enrollment deposit, and made everything incredibly, 100%, nonrefundably official. I’m moving to New Jersey.
The more I say it lately, the more my heart starts to beat faster and faster. Excitement. Anticipation. Eagerness. Also, terror. I will be on my very, very, very own for the very, very, very first time. Ever. I know a total of zero people in the Garden State, and the first half of this sentence pretty much sums up what I do know about that state. I will be 14 miles from New York City which is exciting, yes, but I am not a city girl, not by any means. I will also be hundreds to thousands of miles from everyone I hold most dear to me. Yikes. Talk about a revelation.
I think I am more excited than anything, and maybe once I make my soon-to-happen trip up there to my future home, I will feel less anxious. Right now, all I know is that this major life change I’ve been dying for is starting to feel very, and I mean very, major. I hope I’m ready for it; if not, I guess I’ll have to do my best.
Strangely enough, I have been wanting the chance to be 100% independent for a while now; however, as the biggest opportunity I’ve ever had stares me in the face, I can’t help but cower a little. My boyfriend tells me often that he thinks I’m an incredibly confident girl. Sometimes I wonder how he ever formed that impression of me. I am confident in a sense, confident that life will work out the way it is supposed to in the end, but I am also scared of almost everything all the time. I am scared to move away, far away. I am scared to be on my own. I am scared to be so close to a big city and afraid that I will miss out on a lot of experiences in the two short years I will call South Orange, NJ my home.
People tell me this is silly, that I shouldn’t be afraid of anything, that I always succeed. I believe them. I do, but I still have a tiny little voice in the back of my head whispering “What if you can’t handle it?” I’m trying to ignore him, that little voice, but sometimes (like today) he gets the better of me and I am left wondering.
It probably doesn’t help that I’m still sick and feeling rather miserable today. All I wanted was to snuggle up with a good book and a cup of tea, but a rather intimidating to-do list had me out and about all day. Miraculously, I was ridiculously productive today: I went shopping, bought a new pair of jeans and a movie I’ve been dying to watch again ever since my first viewing, went to the bank, got my hair cut, applied for a summer nanny position, and sent in applications to 2 graduate assistantships at Seton Hall. Holey moley. Perhaps that’s what set this crazy train of thought rolling, all the moving around I did today. Maybe it was the 97 degree weather, or maybe it was just me being crazy again. All I can say is that I hope the incredibly confident Jessica my boyfriend seems to know comes back tomorrow.
On the upside, tomorrow is shaping up to be a pretty fantastic day: a friend of mine from high school whom I haven’t seen in almost 2 years is coming to visit for the night. She’ll only be here for one night, and I’ll probably be wiped after a day of training, but I am beyond excited to see her! Nothing like some good old catching up with old friends to restore my confidence and help me feel better.