That is the question(s).

My day can be summed up by two questions.

1. Rain, y u no turn in to snow?

It’s one thing to walk around town in the freezing cold and another to walk around in the freezing cold while it snows. It is a horrible thing to walk around town in the freezing cold while it rains. I love the rain; I do. But, when it is freezing cold, I would really love the rain to suck it up and give snow a chance. I don’t want to be doused in ice-cold water pouring from the sky when I can already barely feel my fingers and toes.

2. Werewolves, y u so ubiquitously confusing in the middle ages?

Who am I? Man? Beast? Hybrid? What do I stand for?

I’ve begun preliminary research for a paper on two specific instances of werewolves in medieval texts this week, and while I thought I was quite well-versed in medieval werewolf rhetoric and lore, I found that I am merely well versed in one aspect of it. I also found (though I suspected this from the start) that my investigation of these two specific instances leads me into commentary on about 10 other instances of werewolves in medieval texts. They’re everywhere. I swear, and just when I finally found myself comfortable maneuvering the rhetoric of werewolves as symptomatic of sexual deviancy and outlawry, I find that they apparently also stand for maintaining the status quo of Western hegemony and the hierarchy of social classes (an incredibly interesting and compelling argument that evokes several new readings of oft-quoted passages). O boy. Here we go again. I love learning all this new information, but just when I thought I had a solid framework for my paper, here comes the new werewolf paradigm to sit on the margins begging for a place in my inchoate text. At least my class was cancelled, so I have an extra two hours to work on this mess.

Anyone up for some An American Werewolf in London tonight. I promise this time I won’t jump out of my skin and fall off the couch (which I may or may not have done while screening this film for the first time at a friend’s apartment).

Magnetism.

I read an article today about gender theory, and while I understood almost nothing (thank you, by the way, literary theorists of yore, for always choosing a three-syllable word when a one-syllable word would suffice; you make my life so very much easier), I found one particular sentence rather interesting:

Knowledge, after all, is not itself power, although it is the magnetic field of power.

– Eve Sedgewick, “Axiomatic”

This line stuck out to me so much that I even copied onto the back cover of my notebook so I’d be able to come back to it later. I suppose later is now.

The simple idea of stripping knowledge-for-knowledge’s-sake of power seems rather simple, yet our society appears to hold the opposite view. Children are expected to attend college because it gives them knowledge which gets them a better job. People pursue higher degrees to accumulate more knowledge, and we bestow them with fancy titles like Master of Arts or Doctor of Philosophy. Knowledge seems to hold some sway, at least in the general population, but I find myself asking the same question Eve Sedgewick introduces in the line I quoted: is simply acquiring enough? Shouldn’t we go further, do something with that knowledge we’ve accumulated, change the world?

It is in our actions and in our exercising our knowledge for the betterment of others that we gain true power – in how our actions, and very lives, affect those around us. Although this train of thought takes me down a very different passage than I’m sure Sedgewick ever intended or thought her work would transport a reader, I feel my meditations are especially applicable to my current position in life.

Over the last few days, I’ve come to understand just how important friendship is. Friendship, like Sedgewick’s knowledge, is magnetic at times. What draws two people together from across a library table, a crowded coffee shop, a classroom, or a world? How do we manage to find friends who seem to know us better than we know ourselves? How would we ever survive without this powerful, magnetic, magical (to quote a dear friend of mine) bond with another person?

In the Middle Ages, people believed that everyone had invisible darts of light shooting from his eyes. They believed that when we found a person with whom a strong relationship was possible, our eye darts would connect with his. The idea of friendship (or love) at first sight seems especially well founded in this idea – this idea that assigns a supernatural power to human relationships, that takes human relationships to a magical level, a level beyond our control or understanding.

Friendship changes people; it changes worlds. I know that my friends bring out the best in me, for if they didn’t, I wouldn’t bother maintaining the relationship. I would not and could not be the person I am today without the influence of friendships both past and present, and I hope that others can say the same about me. It’s a scary thing, friendship. Trusting another person with a piece of yourself, asking that person to keep it safe, to keep you safe. But, in being a terrifying thing, it is also a beautiful thing, a magical thing. Like knowledge friendships can be accumulated and stored on shelves (or Facebook profiles), left to be admired for their quantity rather than quality. Yet, in doing so, we erase the very fabric of the relationship – change it at its core – for it is no longer a relationship, but a title.

Friendship is a powerful force, yet, like knowledge, it must be cultivated, worked for, maintained, and exercised. Friendships cannot exist in a vacuum. They are meant to change lives, to change worlds.

I count myself lucky to have friends across the nation, and even some across the world, for whom I am willing to cry, to whom I am willing give my time and trust, for whom I work and strive to be a better person. Friendship is work, yes, but in the end, when you’ve met the right people, those who are willing to give all same effort, that work becomes magic.

Let there be more magic in the world. Let it start with you and circle back to you.

This is a strange time frame I’m living in.

Over the past couple weeks, ever since that fateful speech by my adviser at Orientation, I’ve felt myself kick into overdrive. I feel like I’ve been rushing everything and running too far ahead of myself. I’m not new to this feeling, but I’m also not the best at understanding timing. Beginning something to let it sit unfinished when I know that I can finish it (especially if the deadline is far in the future) is nearly impossible for me. If I get going on something and there aren’t any major impending deadlines, I’m kind of unstoppable. It seems backwards, but the longer I have to complete something, the more gung-ho I am about actually getting it done, and getting it done quickly.

Enter: graduate school. A two-year Master’s program, followed by a 3-to-5-year PhD program. An adviser telling me to plan ahead now. And the fact that I have several months to finish up finalizing my applications. So what have I been doing? Researching, researching, researching. It’s become a problem, maybe, like a secret obsession. I tell myself it keeps me driven, and it does. Figuring out what I want next for my life helps me focus and understand that I’m working towards something bigger than what I have right here.

Then I struggle with the idea that I may be moving too fast. I’m not sure what I want yet, why rush it? I should slow down, let things play out, right? However last night, as I was filling out my new academic planner, I found a section in the back titled “Future Planning.” Perfect for me, right? It has all these little boxes for each month during the next year after my planner ends (aka – next September and on). I started filling it out and realized “Ask for letters of recommendation” fell under September, “GRE Subject Exam” went into November, “PhD applications due” landed in December, and “Graduation” filled in the box for May.

I suppose I could add “Move to _______” and “Begin PhD School” under August, but I just can’t bring myself to go that far quite yet.

Some might say “That’s still a long way off,” and I will understand, believe, and agree with them. But, I’m staring at the proof right in front of me – major things are coming sooner (maybe) than I think. Everyone says life moves faster the older one gets, and my own experience over the last month and half certainly proves that. I’ve already been in classes for a month! I feel like I just moved in yesterday. 26% (almost 27) of this semester is already gone. I’m already booking flights to head home for Thanksgiving.

When I look at all I have to do, it doesn’t seem likely that it will fit in the one little planner that I have, but those pages at the back remind me that it must. My next planner will be filled with deadlines; I have only this one to prepare. Laid out in front of me like that, I feel justified in my obsessive need to figure out what I want after Seton Hall, but I’m still not sure how to handle that fact. For now, I suppose I will stick to spending days in the library trying to power through my GRE Reading List and to looking up author biographies every time I read an interesting article about myth, or magic, or the Middle Ages.