That is the question(s).

My day can be summed up by two questions.

1. Rain, y u no turn in to snow?

It’s one thing to walk around town in the freezing cold and another to walk around in the freezing cold while it snows. It is a horrible thing to walk around town in the freezing cold while it rains. I love the rain; I do. But, when it is freezing cold, I would really love the rain to suck it up and give snow a chance. I don’t want to be doused in ice-cold water pouring from the sky when I can already barely feel my fingers and toes.

2. Werewolves, y u so ubiquitously confusing in the middle ages?

Who am I? Man? Beast? Hybrid? What do I stand for?

I’ve begun preliminary research for a paper on two specific instances of werewolves in medieval texts this week, and while I thought I was quite well-versed in medieval werewolf rhetoric and lore, I found that I am merely well versed in one aspect of it. I also found (though I suspected this from the start) that my investigation of these two specific instances leads me into commentary on about 10 other instances of werewolves in medieval texts. They’re everywhere. I swear, and just when I finally found myself comfortable maneuvering the rhetoric of werewolves as symptomatic of sexual deviancy and outlawry, I find that they apparently also stand for maintaining the status quo of Western hegemony and the hierarchy of social classes (an incredibly interesting and compelling argument that evokes several new readings of oft-quoted passages). O boy. Here we go again. I love learning all this new information, but just when I thought I had a solid framework for my paper, here comes the new werewolf paradigm to sit on the margins begging for a place in my inchoate text. At least my class was cancelled, so I have an extra two hours to work on this mess.

Anyone up for some An American Werewolf in London tonight. I promise this time I won’t jump out of my skin and fall off the couch (which I may or may not have done while screening this film for the first time at a friend’s apartment).

Anam Cara.

I’m still horrendously behind on work (How does this happen so early in the semester?) and feeling a little like my brain is made of mush (Thank you, composition theory, but don’t think you’re off the hook Ulysses!).

So, I am going to share with you two articles I’ve read recently.

The first is a cool, little piece I found through Tania of What Would a Nerd Wear, one of my favorite fashion blogs. It relates the experience of a student in graduate school to that of a designer on Project Runway. It seems especially relevant right now as I ponder my place as a graduate student and my uncertain future in academia once again (I know. I know, I’m a huge bundle of new thoughts….) You can read it here.

The second is a wonderful piece I just found through a friend. It talks about the power and importance of female friendships. I am happy to report that after reading it I can call myself one of the lucky ones. You’ll understand if you read the article.

It’s a new year. Almost.

I’ve been gone for a while enjoying some time at home over the holidays, but I’m slowly starting to remember that I don’t do well with doing nothing.

Today I received my new iPhone in the mail. It was incredibly exciting, very frustrating to activate, and pretty much just like having my old phone by now. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve moved from the Dark Ages of iPhone times to the future, and it’s great. My apps work correctly. I can tell my phone to text message someone, and it does it. It’s very fun, but in the end, it’s just a phone. I need something to work on, to accomplish.

What does that mean? Well, it means I’ll be spending several days of the next few weeks at Starbucks working on conference papers. Did I mention that my paper was accepted to the NJCEA conference? Yay, me. Moving up in the world of academia. I have to edit, cut down, and prepare my paper for presentation now. I also need to get working on another paper I’m submitting to the Plymouth Medieval Forum. Hooray for me again. Exciting stuff is happening.

It’s nice to remember that every once in a while, especially when being forced to let go of a lot of other things. It’s nice to look forward to what is coming.

Anyway, if I’m gone until the New Year, now you know why.

Happy 2012!

#grad student problems

I have been working on a case study for one of my graduate classes for about two and a half months now. I’m working with Beowulf - yay medieval – however, despite my incredible interest in the depictions of women throughout the poem (especially Grendel’s mother), I continue to hit road block after road block. My original idea was so overdone that within an hour of beginning my research, I had to abandon it. From there, I read and read attempting to inspire an idea or original thought. Nothing.

Every time I feel the muse of literary studies has struck, I get this incredibly excited feeling and run back to the databases for some focused research – only to find that someone has beaten me to it and already published an article with my same thesis. Boo. So much for original thought. I’m sure the fact of Beowulf‘s immense popularity in English studies is no help for me right now, and I fear that I will read and read and read and never see anything that hasn’t already been seen. Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

In some sense, I feel like this problem is a microcosm of the larger experience of PhD study. Doctoral students hunt and hunt and hunt to make a tiny contribution to the collection of human knowledge, a tiny bump at the edge of the collected work of billions who have gone before them. It can be discouraging (and I’m not even looking for a dissertation-worthy new idea, just a measly little conference paper idea). Scary. Yet, I suppose that part of the enjoyment comes from the frustration – the desire to leave my own mark (however tiny) in the field I’ve chosen to dedicate my life to. No one thinks exactly like I do, so eventually, my mind will notice something someone else hasn’t. Eventually it will happen, and my tiny bump will begin to form. I may not see it yet, but much like my attitude toward gaining admittance to a PhD program, I feel that life and fate will guide my thoughts. I believe that it will happen, that I can change the world, that I will find what I need to continue.

On that note, I’m back to the databases for some reading. Wish me luck and creative thoughts.

Scaredy Cat.

You know that nagging feeling that tells you you could be doing so much more with your life? That little voice that’s always in the back of your head? I’ve been trying to kill mine for a while now. I thought I’d succeeded, and maybe I did…. maybe more likely I just scared it away for a little while.

However, I think he sent in his evil twin brother as backup – that nagging little feeling that tells me maybe the reason I’m not doing more with my life is that I can’t, that I’m not good enough, that I can try, but I’ll only fail.

I want my old voice back. Old nagging “you’re being lazy; do something worthwhile and stop procrastinating” voice, please come back to me. I’d take you over crippling self-doubt any day.

William Shakespeare wrote: ”Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt” (Measure for Measure). This simple idea rings so true, especially for me, a girl afraid of everything, even my own dreams.

I recently started a book that I’m hoping will change my life (or at least inspire me to change it myself), and I came across this passage:

They liked to talk about their dreams, but in the end, they left them just as dreams. They didn’t know …. that dreams are in fact realities waiting to happen. But they don’t wait forever.At some point you have to help them make the transition. Or eventually, they just fade away.

– John Strelecky, Life Safari

Again, true words. And they made me realize that being scared is silly, that I may fail, but failing would be so much better than sitting by and letting my dreams “just fade away.” I can deal with failure; I’m tried and true on that front. I’m not so sure I’d ever be able to cope with allowing my dreams to die. I don’t want to find out the answer to Langston Hughes’ age-old question.

It won’t happen overnight, and I’ll probably still be scared a lot. But, at least I won’t have to say I never tried.

Inspiration.

I first saw this video about a year ago, but I found myself drawn back to it recently. Perhaps I’m feeling that my life’s work needs some direction. Anyway, I always find Elizabeth Gilbert‘s talk enchanting and inspiring. She’s the author of Eat, Pray, Love, and here’s what she’s got to say about creativity:

Elizabeth Gilbert on Nurturing Creativity

Fortunes.

Desire Path via TransLeadership

Tonight my family and I went out to get Chinese for dinner. After dinner we all opened and shared our fortunes with one another. They made us smile and chuckle and tease one another, but with my family these are pretty common occurrences anyway. Reading my fortune (“Every good friend was once a stranger.”) and hearing my parents delight in “how perfect it is for me right now” reminded me that life has a funny way of steering us back to the paths we need to follow and encouraging us when we’re feeling helpless and a little lost. I recently read a post about “desire paths,” and the idea fascinated me. The post I read talked about education and creating connected, digital classrooms, but my own musings focused on the broader interpretation – the idea that we can go through this life living the life others tell us to lead or we can simply create our own ways. It’s as easy as stepping off that comfortable, safe, paved pathway – the acceptable pathway, the one on which we’re supposed to stay.  We can admire the grass, but we dare not walk through it. The post I read spoke of Walt Disney and his views on desire paths, but I am reminded of a quote by one of my favorite authors:

“Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

It seems clichéd and simple, but so often we forget how easy it is to become trapped in societal and family standards.  Others, who may truly have our best interests at heart, want certain things for us.  They believe they know best, that they are looking out for us, but in reality, the constant pressure to remain on the “acceptable” path can be stifling.  It can force even the guards on the King’s College lawns to set foot upon the grass, to walk where there is no path. Perhaps the best and the healthiest thing any one of us can do is to break free of that restriction, to finally untie the bonds that hold us where others believe we should be.  People may call us crazy at first, but eventually, they may understand.  Eventually, they may pave our paths. My path.

Sometimes a t-shirt is all you need.

Because I have nothing else to occupy my mind and idle fingers while at work from 8am-12pm every Monday through Thursday, I’ve taken to perusing online shops.  This is a dangerous game I’m playing.  I know that, but I have chosen to tempt fate.  I must give myself credit, though, because I never turn to online nerd shopping until after reading at least a section in my Shakespeare book and completing both the Daily Jigsaw and the USA Today crossword.  That’s will power right there.

Anyway, some of the things I’ve found are simply too great to keep to myself, so I once again will be sharing a collection of delightfully dorky t-shirts for your viewing pleasure.

<– That, but on a shirt.  Fantastic.  Books and magic: two of my favorite things.

Courtesy of woot.com.

We all know that a closet of nerdy t-shirts wouldn’t be complete without a Monty Python reference.  The fact that this happens one of my favorite movies is just a bonus.  I think I can even get over the fact that I’d be wearing math on my shirt.

To shift themes a little bit, here are two t-shirts that explain my last year of undergrad studies perfectly.  One can only hope it goes up from here and that my Master’s thesis turns out to be just as fun a project as my Honors undergrad one was.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Make that three because I just found this one:

Here’s something I tell my boyfriend on a daily basis.  Perhaps displaying it in mathematical concepts will help him understand.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  And last but not least, in case you didn’t know already that I’m a nerd: 

While none of these shirts can beat the glory of the JSTOR t-shirt I found a few weeks ago, they all certainly made me chuckle while counting down the minutes I was stuck in the office yesterday.

Diversion

I have diverted from my original reading list for the summer.  After finishing Eat, Pray, Love, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and Wuthering Heights, I was supposed to begin rereading The Catcher in the Rye, one of my all-time favorite books, but I, instead, opted for a new read.  I figured now is my chance to read the books that have been sitting on my shelf forever waiting and wishing to be opened.  Although Catcher will have to wait for me to revisit its pages, The Truth Will Out: Unmasking the Real Shakespeare has finally felt some love.  This book has been sitting on my shelf for a while now, and after registering for a Shakespeare seminar in the Fall, I figured there was no better time than the present to crack it open.  I’m about halfway through and am 100% happy with my decision.

As an English major, bibliophile, and anglophile, I have, of course, always been a fan of Shakespeare.  I think it’s a graduation requirement for all English majors, especially those looking to pursue a career in academia, and even more especially those wishing to pursue a career in academia focused on Medieval and Renaissance British literature.  For the previous sentence, read: I’ve done my fair share of reading about Shakespeare.  This book, however, offers a whole new perspective.  The authors posit that Sir Henry Neville is in fact that “real” Shakespeare and set out to prove (quite convincingly, I might add) that he wrote the many plays attributed to the world-famous, Stratford-born William Shakespeare.  Their research and hypothesis has introduced me to a whole new facet of Shakespeare’s plays and has made me revisit some of my favorites in a new light.  Repeat: I am 100% happy with my choice to venture into the unfamiliar “I’m reading nonfiction for fun” waters.

I also can’t wait for next year.

Elle conduit. She drives.

Drive is an interesting thing.  Some people naturally have it while others don’t.  It seems like people are always advising children and teens to find some, and many adults can’t even muster enough to engage in their own work.  So what is it about drive, passion, energy, desire that so fascinates us and captivates us?  Why do we all search for it, want it, tell others to get it too?  Perhaps we’ll never know, but I have a feeling that humanity’s love affair with drive, deep and passionate energy, will never fade.

I consider myself a driven person.  As I’ve mentioned in the past, when I set myself a goal, I will do all that I can to achieve it.  Yes, I’m often dismayed.  Yes, I often lose my faith and my way.  Yes, yes, yes.  I know this, but I also know that, in the end, I will find a way to make things work; I will finish what I start.  And there you have it: I consider myself a driven person.

I’ve had my share of setbacks in the past.  I’ve faced rejection and obstacle after obstacle on my way to where I want to be, but I pride myself on never having given up, on always fighting for what I want.  These last five weeks of summer vacation have been just that – a vacation.  I’ve been lazy.  I’ve been sleeping in, lying around, doing nothing.  I’m now realizing that, while it’s been great and relaxing and peaceful and much-needed, my break is over.  I’m restless and antsy.  I need a project.  I need something to do.

For a while my sole focus was my thesis, then graduate school applications, then my thesis and applications all at once.  Now that I have passed my defense and published my thesis, not to mention been accepted to and enrolled in graduate school, I need a new project.  I started to teach myself to crochet and love it.  It relaxes me and gives my restless fingers something to do.  I also love the fact that I can create something, something tangible.  New hobby: check.  I’m also beginning to teach myself French (hence the simple yet superbly-fitting title to this post).  Through the help of some Rosetta Stone software, I’ve acquired an elementary vocabulary and some basic grammar skills.  This project, however, is proving more difficult than learning to crochet.  I, apparently, am an embarrassment to the French language.  My program continually laughs at my abysmal attempts to repeat French phrases, threatens to fail me on every pronunciation exercise, and often refuses to let me pass onto the next lesson until I’ve repeated “un poisson” (a fish) about fifty times.  I applaud your patience, Rosetta Stone, but really my ability to perfectly pronounce “a fish” is not a make it or break it situation.  Then again, what better way to test my dedication?  If I’m still excited to continue after yelling “un poisson. un poisson! UN POISSON!” at my computer for thirty minutes, I must have at least a little drive.  Right?

Lastly, I am focused on finding a PhD program.  To some it seems a little preemptive (I should at least attend my first class as a Master’s student, right?), but I know that I need to focus on this now.  I need to be a strong candidate.  I’ve tasted the application process and have come out stronger and wiser.  Now is my chance to put everything I have into the extras on my resume.  Now is my chance to publish some creative pieces because I want to, to find societies I can join when I finally move to New Jersey, to begin understanding if I should retake the GRE or the GRE subject exam, to find some wonderful scholars to schmooze for the next two years.  Two years is a short amount of time; two years will fly by if I’m not careful.

I guess, I’ve come full circle.  Some may call me crazy; others, driven.  I’ve always been a planner, and I know that.  I struggle on step six if I can’t see step nine in the distance.  Right now I’ve finally landed on step six and am ready to start shaping step nine.  Call me crazy.  Call me Ishmael.  Call me driven.

It’s good to be a step ahead, right?