Unfortunately they’re gone.

I just ate the last of my Easter candy as I sit here on the couch watching Harry Potter Weekend on ABC Family. Normally, I would feel bad about myself just wasting my days sitting on the couch doing nothing, but this is my nothing week – the week immediately following the end of Spring classes. Every year, I give myself the first week of summer to do nothing, to just sit on the couch and watch hours of mindless tv (or, in this year’s case, Grey’s Anatomy and Harry Potter). After this week, I start on my summer projects. I’ve got quite the list this summer:

1. finish the scarf I started crocheting last summer

2. learn to read French

3. review my Latin skills

4. complete PhD applications (or as much of them as I realistically can)

5. revise 3 papers for publication, edit my undergraduate thesis for presentation, and write the paper I’ve been mulling over since Christmas

Anyway, I digress from my original point of departure: Easter candy. I never realized how much I liked Easter candy until my endless supply of it was gone. I’m usually not a major candy person. I don’t like intense sweets. My friends used to (eh, whom am I kidding, still do) make fun of me all the time when we go out for ice cream. I’m always the one asking for the raspberry sorbet or the mango sherbet. I’ve been told these do not qualify as “real ice cream.” But, once again, I digress. What I intended to say about 150 words ago is that I kind of love jelly beans – not the normal jelly beans, though, not the ones that are huge and taste like nothing but freeze-dried sugar. I love the fancy jellybeans – the ones that have flavors – like Starburst brand or Jelly Belly. Oh, man, do I love them.

The problem, however, is that unless it’s Easter time, these fancy jelly beans are either a) impossible to find or b) $96 a box. I guess I’ll just have to wait until next year. Maybe for graduation, I’ll just get a huge tub of fancy jelly beans. That’d be nice.

Too much TV?

I realized the other night, while watching Harry Potter with my friend, that I watch an awful lot of TV nowadays. I used to never watch TV. I mean never. I had no idea which channel was which, what shows were on when, who the characters were. Now, I have a steady following of shows I watch almost every night of the week. I’ve got this little system: get home from class, make dinner, watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune while eating dinner, then watch whatever happens to be that night’s primetime option. To make matters worse, it’s not even major network shows I’m watching. You know, adult shows. Nope, I’ve become addicted to ABC Family and the CW teen dramas.

I have no idea why. Maybe because those kids have lives infinitely more exciting than mine. I mean, long-lost twins, secret murder plots, witches, magic. It’s very exciting, but I’m starting to feel a little disturbed by my dedication to tuning in every week. It’s not that I don’t get my work done or anything, just that I never used to rely on TV for entertainment. I thought about canceling my cable service just to break the habit. I can’t have what isn’t there, but I never did. And, I’m not sure I really want to. I like having the option of cable television for some background noise during the day.

I guess I just need to decide how much TV is too much TV.

Pinterest.

I am addicted to Pinterest.

Seriously. I am.

I have never procrastinated so much in my life. I think.

Anyway, it’s become almost as bad as a Facebook addiction: constantly checking it, updating it, adding to it, sitting and staring waiting for someone to post something interesting.

I’ve found that whenever my brain needs a serious break, I wind up on Pinterest (usually building my virtual perfect closet, but also collecting way to many silly Harry Potter jokes and quotes about books).

Anyway, if you’re interested, follow me. I’d love to have you.

 

TIL

Today I learned that I need a new phone. I’ve been holding on to my old phone out of mere nostalgia for far too long. It’s time to upgrade.

Lucky for me, the iPhone 4s just came out. Can you say Christmas present?

Also, today I learned  that the human mind is a powerful and mystifying thing.The few last days have been pretty rough for me. At first, it was all I could not to be upset all day. I was sad, but I didn’t want to be sad. I hated being sad. It sucked.

Then, I talked to my mom, and she told me that sometimes we just have to let ourselves be sad. Sometimes, we just have to indulge our emotions for a while; we have to bake some cookies and watch Harry Potter and cry if we want to. Sometimes, we just have to snuggle with our tiny kitten, go out to lunch with friends, and buy ourselves some fresh flowers at the market. At first, I didn’t want to follow my mom’s advice. I didn’t want to give in to my sadness. I just wanted it to disappear.

Then, I realized that it won’t just disappear and that I can’t just ignore it. If I want to move past my sadness, I need to acknowledge it and accept it.

So I did.

I watched a movie and ate a cookie. I went to lunch with some friends and laughed about pumpkin spicing ALL THE THINGS! I let myself cry.

And, you know what? I feel better. Today was not a terrible day. Today felt like any other day. I guess I really did just need to let my mind take some time for itself, to let it recuperate.

I know that I will probably face some more rough days in the future, but I know also that I will be okay, that I will get past it, and that I can still smile.

Today I learned that I am stronger and more independent than I thought. Today I learned that I am growing up. Today I learned a little more about who I am and who I might become.

Today, all in all, was a good day.

A lamp and a plan.

In an effort to keep myself busy over the past few days I’ve spent at my parents’ house, I’ve once again taken up my crafting habit.  I also had several in-the-works projects I needed to finish before they were ready to be packed away for the big move.  I finally finished up two of the four throw pillows I was making and also made a lamp just for fun. I’m quite impressed with the outcome of all three items and can’t wait to try my hand at a few more one-step-above-basic projects.

My dad also helped me plan out the arrangement of my new apartment.  I feel like I should explain that my father and I have been fascinated with architecture for years.  One of the best memories I have of growing up is drawing floor plans on graph paper with my dad.  I have a whole binder full of dream houses from different stages of my life.  Needless to say, we had both the materials and basic skills to make a rather detailed plan.

I’m pretty excited about the way it turned it out.  I was starting to become a little terrified of the move, but now that I can see something tangible and I can feel like I’ve worked out at least one tiny part of the puzzle, my excitement is beating out the terror.  Things will work out okay after all.  The other day I heard that Andy Grammer song “Keep Your Head Up” on the radio, and a few lyrics stuck out to me as I was driving home:

I’m buyin in the skeptics,
Skeptics mess with the confidence in my eyes.
I’m seeing all the angles start to get tangled
I start to compromise
My life and the purpose.
Is it all worth it?
Am I gonna turn out fine?

The other day these lyrics resonated with me, and I gave in once again to my fears.  I started to wonder if this crazy path I’ve chosen, pursuing an esoteric field and a position in academia that may be hitting its expiration point soon, is worth it.  Then tonight after dinner with some old family friends who asked me all about my new school and campus and my crazy, wacky love for what I study, I realized that I could talk to them about my passion all night.  They just answer with blank stares and nods most of the time as I go off on some tangent about an obscure poem I read or about an idea I had for my Master’s thesis.  Everyone tells me that they can see how happy I am and how much I love what I do all the time.  I guess I never realize because I never feel like I’m working when I’m doing what I love.  I feel like society has taught me that work is supposed to feel onerous and painful, but I’ve never felt like that while dissecting the use of medieval motifs in Harry Potter or while reading Shakespeare or while learning Middle English.  I’ve never felt like I’m working or killing myself to get a paycheck.  I find myself going back to it, reading articles, finding new books and authors to investigate, during my down time.  And that, right there, is when the rest of the song’s lyrics hit me:

This is just a journey
Drop your worries
You are gonna turn out fine.
Oh, you’ll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you’ll turn out fine.

A little bit Harry and a little bit harried.

While I feel compelled to comment on the recent conclusion of the Harry Potter film franchise, I hesitate to spend too much time musing over its every scene and line.  I for one, truly enjoyed the film and appreciated many of the choices the filmmakers made in adapting the book’s conclusion for the big screen.  It seems like the end of an era to me, one who has invested so much of my personal and academic efforts, time, and endeavors to a series now completed in print and on film.  While I was emotional to some extent, I didn’t cry or feel depressed as the credits began to roll.  I, rather, felt happy, happy to have been lucky to grow up with such a worldwide phenomenon.  Some of the kids sitting in the theater with me last Thursday were not even born when the first book was published.  They never had to endure the seemingly endless breaks between works, praying for Rowling to write faster, for that next book to appear.  I, on the other hand, remember when the first book was published.  I remember reading it a few years later in my 6th grade class.  I remember attending and working midnight release parties, and I remember the feeling of excitement as I watched the three young stars of the films walk the red carpet in London at the World Premiere of Half-Blood Prince.  Now, I can remember sitting in the theater watching as the credits rolled on the entire franchise.  I have been lucky enough to experience it all and know that my journey with Harry is not over – one 80-page thesis down and many more to come.

Thinking about the fact that I can experience this phenomenon firsthand and not feel depressed at its conclusion reminds me that often the best things in life do come to an end.  However, we don’t have to let the endings of life stop us from enjoying what makes us happy.  I am happy reading the Harry Potter books, watching the films, and studying the literature.  The books are all published, and the films have all been released, but I do not have to stop allowing them to make me happy.  Surely nothing new will come and I will interact with the series in a very different way (much less anticipation, much more big picture), but I will still be happy.  Things in life change.  The very cores of our lives and relationships undergo more change than we may believe possible to endure, but in the end, as Rowling would say (as Dumbledore would say), it is our choices that determine who we are.  I choose every day to look at the way things can be good in this life, to understand that change happens and that nothing can stay the same forever, to accept that I cannot control everything, and to hold on to what makes me happy.

Without the hardships we face, without the challenges and complications, we cannot grow, we cannot mature, and we cannot fully realize what we are capable of.  For these reasons, I face the challenges head on and vow to pursue what makes me happy despite the chances of failure and despite any odds stacked against me.

While this post did not end where I though it would, I know that these realizations have come at the perfect time for me.  I begin my new life as a graduate student living miles and miles away from everything I’ve ever known and challenging myself in ways I can’t even imagine yet in just over one month.  I am growing and changing, and I am appreciating every minute of it.

See what good a little sleep can do?