And then I woke up.

I’m a big believer in fate.

Those who know I come from a religious background might question this, but fate can take many forms. Does it matter if God, gods, or bundles of sticks are controlling things? Not really. I have my own beliefs in the behind-the-scenes of it all, but the essential and important part is that I believe in fate.

Not the kind of fate that means I have no free will or that my life is predetermined by my saved or reprobate soul (sorry Calvin) or the kind of fate that one can ruin by making the wrong choices throughout life (sorry ancient gods of yore). I just believe that life presents us with situations and events that we need. They could be as simple as getting stuck in a rain shower with no umbrella to remind us that we should be more organized or as complex as a relationship meant to change our lives and alter our perceptions of the world.

I believe that fate will take me where I need to be in life. This place may not be where I envisioned it to be, and the path may not be the one I planned out for myself. Yet, I know and truly believe that it will be what is right for me and right in my life.

It seems easy, right? Just believe in fate and all will be great. Well, no. Like I said, I don’t believe that fate will simply hand me everything I want. If I want my life to go a certain way, I need to work for it. If I do, fate will make sure that I get where I’m supposed to be.

Perhaps an example will help clarify some points:

When I was applying to colleges for my undergrad studies, I had my heart set on moving out of state. I knew that CUA was the place I needed to be. I could feel it, and I wanted it so badly. I made sure that I got myself into a position come high school graduation to make this dream a reality. As much as I knew CUA was the place I needed to be, I knew that UCF was the place I did not want to be, the place that would be a terrible life decision. I’m sure that many of you are laughing right now. See, I lost hours and hours of sleep trying to figure out why I couldn’t commit to CUA. Everything had worked out like I’d planned, but something was stopping me from sending in my deposit check. Then, I woke up one morning knowing that I needed to attend UCF, knowing without a doubt that I needed to be there. I sent in the deposit check that afternoon.

I joke around sometimes, saying that I was divinely inspired to choose UCF for my post-secondary education. It makes for a more exciting tale that way, but the truth is I have no idea why I suddenly changed my mind. Fate.

I suppose there’s no saying that I wouldn’t have found a best friend in Washington, DC or that I wouldn’t have succeeded in my classes. I’m sure I would have. I may even had to chance to study abroad and to fall in love with Medieval literature, maybe. I’m not sure what about my life at UCF was so fated for me to experience, but I know that I don’t regret it and that, for whatever reason, I was meant to be there. I am who I am today because of it.

This belief in fate was difficult to hold on to when applying to graduate schools. I watched dream school after dream school turn me down, say I wasn’t good enough, thanks but no thanks. I thought I’d run out of options, that my dreams would have to wait. Then, I realized that I had all the power in the world to make things happen the way I wanted them to and ended up at a school more perfect than I believed was possible.

I don’t know exactly why I’m here. Maybe to prove to myself that I can leave everything behind and start all over on my own, far from home. Maybe to meet someone who will change my life. Maybe simply to adopt the cutest little black kitten so that he will have someone to love him for the rest of his life. Maybe, like my time at UCF, I’ll never know.

It’s been difficult remaining firm in my faith in fate as I begin to prepare for another round of PhD applications. I’d wanted to be done with this whole process, but I’ve been trying, truly trying, to approach it from a better place this time. Maybe it won’t work out the way I want it to, but it will work out the way I need it to.

A waiting game.

I am terrible at waiting.  Patience may be a virtue, but it’s not a particularly strong quality of mine.  Sometimes, I hate the instant gratification, give-it-to-me-now mentality that so many people have adopted in this generation; some days I am its poster child.

Right now, I’m poster child, spokesperson central.  I am so ready to know where my life is going.  I am sick of waiting.  I feel like I’m always waiting nowadays.  Every day, I’m waiting for the final bell to ring and school to end.  I’m waiting for my internship to be done.   I’m waiting for graduation.  I’m waiting for grad schools to make admissions decisions.  I’m waiting for everything, everything in my life to fall into place.

The worst part is that I thought I’d be done waiting by this time.  I thought all the tough decisions would be made.  I thought I’d have a clear path forward.

I don’t, and for now, I’m still waiting.  I guess there’s some beauty in waiting, maybe, perhaps.  If I have to look for it, I can find it.  Waiting helps me sort things out, helps me figure out what I want.  Waiting gives me time to see situations and opportunities from all sides.  Waiting makes me slow down, slow down and breathe, two things I do rarely.

I’ve found that this whole time, these last four months, have taught me more about myself and the person I want to be.  Maybe waiting is the best teacher.

Signs

I usually live my life by signs.  I try to find them, interpret them, understand them.  I’m not sure why, but I guess I just like the idea of destiny, the idea that we are all here for a purpose and that the universe knows our place and tries to direct us toward where we need to be.  It makes the world seem less frightening, a little bit more friendly.  I’ve been this way my whole life, a crazy believer in fate, one of those “everything happens for a reason” optimists I hate listening to on the days I’m feeling down.  You could call me a hypocrite on days like that, but then again even the best of us are hypocrites sometimes.

Anyway, so as I’ve been saying, signs are a huge thing for me.  Lately I’ve been looking and looking for one, but have come up empty.  All I wanted was a sign about where I should be headed, what I should be doing, where I belong.  Recently, I’d been thinking that the sign department must be understaffed during this busy graduation season and that my name must have missed the “desperately seeking guidance” list; however, more recently, I’ve noticed several signs.  I’ve noticed them and have been trying to interpret them for a while (I’m sure you noticed my absence on the blog….).  I’ve been inside my head trying to figure things out.  As of right now, the grad school plan is slowly fizzling out.  I don’t know if it’s something I did or didn’t do, a money issue, a case of terrible timing or bad fit.  I have no idea, but I’m basically clutching at smoke as my dreams seem to disappear one politely-worded rejection e-mail at a time.

After my latest rejection, I called my mom.  I expected to hear the old “you should reconsider teaching,” “you’d be a great teacher,” “after a few years in the classroom, you’ll forget you wanted something else” talk.  I even braced myself for it before calling.  I was ready to fight.  I was ready to make her understand once and for all that I want nothing more than to study with the best of the best, to continue in school, to find a place in academia.  I was prepared for battle, but I was stunned into silence after my mom’s response to my news of another rejection.

“Well, Jessica, you were telling me that some schools are still accepting applications.  What are they?  Where are they?  When can you apply?  Can you apply for Spring admission?  Where?  I’ll start looking at some programs.  You need to be in school.  This will happen for you.”

You could have knocked me over with a feather after that response.  I could not believe my ears.  Here was my mom telling me that no matter what, I needed to make this happen and that she would do anything she could to help me do it.  For once, she told me not to worry about money, to make my dream happen whatever it took.  She has always backed me up, don’t get me wrong, but she has long been camped in the “full-time teacher” lot.  The other day, she jumped ship.  Tell me this is not a sign, and I will prove to you it is.  I will prove it maybe in a few days, a few weeks, maybe a few months, or maybe even this time next year, but I will prove it.  I do belong on the road I have chosen.  I do belong in school.  I will not question it again.  I will find a way to make it work, no matter how many adcoms tell me “no,” no matter how many people stand in my way, no matter how many times I have to wait in agony for an admissions decision to be made.

I am ready now.  I am finally, 100% ready to accept what I know is my destiny, what I know is my place in life.  And, I am happy.  Finally, I can see my rejections as opportunities, opportunities to grow and to change, opportunities to find the place I am meant to be.

Reality check.

I’ve been away for a while.  Sometimes, as much as I love writing on this blog and as much as it usually helps me sort out my feelings, I need to figure things out for myself and in my own head before I can share them with others.  It’s been a turbulent few days, two weeks? Sadly, I can’t even remember the date of my last post.  I feel like reality has pitched me off a cliff face first with no promise of a safe landing.  It’s not really a great feeling.

Thankfully, I’m on Spring Break this week, so I was able to come home and talk to my parents about all the craziness in my life.  While I’m not convinced they truly understand my feelings about the whole graduate school business, I feel like our chat over dinner last night proved to them that I am serious about this, that I know what I want, and that I will do anything it takes to make my dream a reality.  I think they have a clearer picture of where my head is, but I’m not sure they will ever appreciate how strong my passion for this is.  How could they?  It’s something very few people understand.  Most kids walk around campus counting down the days until graduation, trying to figure out how many classes they can skip without failing, and cramming BS assignments in the night before they’re due.  Now I can’t say that I’ve never skipped class or that I’ve never had to cram in an assignment, but I can say that I walk around campus with a much different perspective.

I look around me at the trees, the buildings, the library, students carrying books, the union, everything…. and know in my heart that this is where I belong.  I belong in a place dedicated to knowledge and learning.  I belong in a place where people far wiser than me will surround me daily.  I belong on a university campus, and I know this more steadfastly than I have ever known anything in my life.  It scares me a little to be so sure, scares me that the one time I am so sure about my purpose in life will be the one time when I can’t make things work out correctly.  It scares me, but it also fills me with a fire, a fire to make it happen, a fire that will give me the strength to endure and to chase this reality I so desperately want for as long as it takes to succeed.  I know that I can do this.  I know that I want to do this.  I will do this.  Simple.

Sometimes it amazes me how the things we think will be so complicated end up being so simple.  I worry a lot about pretty much everything.  I’m sure you’ve noticed that by now.  If not, keep reading; you will soon.  Sometimes I think we anticipate complications and create our own self-fulfilling prophecies.  We can’t imagine something being simple.  Everything must have some kind of complication.  We expect complications, so we find them.  Perhaps we should just take a step back and realize that we can see work as a complication or we can see it as a chance to grow.  Everything in this life is an opportunity for growth.  We can understand our lives as constant progress or we can focus only on the fact that there may be complications down the road.  For me, I choose to focus on the right now.  If I am happy and fulfilled with the right now, if I can smile right now, then I know that God has put things in my life for that reason  - to make me smile, to help me see that life is about perspective.  Sometimes the things that mean the most in this life are the things that require the greatest risk, the worst chance of getting hurt, of failing.  I’ve learned that fear of such outcomes will try to dominate our lives and make our decisions for us.  I’ve also learned that I never want to live that way.  I never want to let fear direct my actions.  I’d rather take the risk.

Faith and Perspective

I’ve been dealing a lot with faith and perspective lately.  Basically, I’ve been trying to find both.  My search has been more difficult on some days than on others.  Overall, I feel like I’m doing a pretty good job.  I feel like I’m succeeding.  I guess that explains a lot though.  I am used to succeeding.  I have always been able to set my goals and achieve them.  It’s a matter of will power more than anything else.  How badly do I want to succeed?  How much am I willing to push myself?

Over the past several years, I’ve always managed to push myself enough to get what I wanted.  Now, I’m sitting here saying, “I’ve pushed myself like I usually do.  Why aren’t things working out like they should?”  This reality has been hard to deal with, hard to understand over the past few weeks.  I wonder why God would make me want something so badly if I’m not destined to have it.  Just to taste disappointment?  I find that hard to believe.  To tell me that I didn’t push myself enough?  Again, I’m skeptical.  That just doesn’t sound like something He’d do.  I hear He’s a pretty cool guy.

So, then, I’m left with the same question.  Why do I want this so badly if I’m not destined to have it?  Why am I so academically inclined if my path in academia is meant to end this year?  Why am I happiest when I’m studying and learning and writing and revising if I’m not meant to continue doing those things?  Why?  Why?  Why?  I can’t get that word out of my head.  At this point I’m reminded of Alfred Lord Tennyson‘s “The Charge of the Light Brigade“:

Theirs not to reason why

Theirs but to do and die

My lot is simply to do and die, I suppose.  I’m just a human.  I’m not meant to have all of the answers.  ”That’s where faith comes in,” my mom would say.  I hear her and agree.  This is where faith comes in.  This is where faith fills in the holes, where I must “keep the faith” (as Miley Cyrus says).  Yes, I did just reference “The Climb.”  Get over it.  I also quoted Tennyson.  Anyway, I have been struggling with this idea for the last few weeks as my graduate school admission decisions begin to roll in.

Right now, all I know is failure.  I can’t even imagine what an acceptance letter looks like.  This is new to me.  I am used to succeeding.  I know that there is a “master plan,” or whatever you like to call it – fate, destiny, predestination – whatever floats your boat.  I know there is one.  I know that I have faith in it.  I know I trust that this master plan will take me where I need to be.  Four years ago, I refused to believe that I belonged at UCF.  Now, looking back, all I can do is laugh.  UCF is absolutely, 100% the place I needed to be for the past four years.  Why?  I don’t know.  I just know that something about my being here is right.  ”Theirs not to reason why / Theirs but to do and die,” remember?

Well, for now, I’m here doing and dying.  Dying to receive an acceptance.  Dying to know the next step in the master plan.

Lemons.

You know the old saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”  I’ve been trying to make that proverb work for me for a little while now.  I thought I was doing well.  I’ve been happy, genuinely happy, for a while now, but yesterday and today kind of sucked.  There isn’t even a more eloquent way to say it.  It just sucked.  I’ve been thrown so many lemons lately that my lemonade has turned to lemon juice.  O well, lemonade gives me a headache anyway.

I just feel like I’ve lost all motivation.  I used to be so on top of things.  Now I don’t even care if I’m anywhere near target.  Due dates seem like suggestions, and nothing seems to be working out the way I want.  I mean, there are exceptions of course.  Some things are wonderful.  I have people in my life who make me smile every day, someone who can meake me smile even when I’m purposefully trying to be sad.  As weird as it is, the most upsetting thing for me is that I know I will make it through this.  I know I will come out okay on the other side.  This will not be the end for me, but then I feel like nothing really matters at all.  It’s kind of a vicious cycle.

For instance, I just got rejected from one of my dream schools.  As it turns out, the University of Oregon does not want me to be a Duck as badly as I want to be a Duck.  Great Saturday night news, right?  Now I’ve hit that point where I’m beginning to wonder if I was just kidding myself.  Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.  I mean, who’s to say that I can make it in a PhD program.  Me?  What are my credentials?  Zero.  Perhaps, I’m just not meant for that life, not cut out for it, not able to handle it.  As much as I want it, maybe it’s not for me.

My mom tells me that she believes I will get into the school I am meant to attend.  She believes that God has a plan for me and that He will work everything out perfectly.  I wish I could be as sure as she is.  Sometimes, though, I wonder if she understands.  She says not getting into any schools is not the end of the world.  I disagree.  It will be the end of my world, my small microcosm of now.  I have no backup plans.  I put all of my eggs in the grad school basket, so to say.  What happens if that basket breaks?

I’m afraid.

I don’t know what to do, what to say, how to handle this.  Yes, everyone reminds me that I still have 5 schools with outstanding applications.  Yes, everyone reminds me that 9,000 things attribute to an adcom’s decision.  Yes, I know these things.  It’s just hard to sit here and have faith when I’m repeatedly being told that I’m not good enough, that I’m not the right fit.  Well, what if I’m not the right fit for anywhere?  Then what?

I’d have to redefine my whole life.  Everything would change.  I’m not ready for that.