Thanksgiving Wrap Up

I just got back to school after being home for the holiday, and I already want to be home again. The amount of work I have to accomplish between now and then, however, is terrifying. I’m so happy that in exactly 3 weeks I will be back home in Florida in the sunshine and warmth surrounded by my family. And, to make it all better, I’m taking Clarkus home for the Christmas holidays again! Kitty on a plane take two. He’s already ready to go.

While I was home, I got to do some of my favorite things. My brothers and I had pizza at my favorite local pizza place. We’ve been going there for ages, and it is so delicious. Afterwards, we caught some great high school football. Go Raiders!

 

 

My mom and I set up our Snow Village. I love this part of Christmas decorating. I keep telling my parents, one day I’m going to move to Snow Village. It always seems ao idyllic in it’s little porcelain perfection.

I also found some old pictures of Snowball. I didn’t realize just how sick he looked in those last few pictures of him that I had until I saw these. This is how I remember him – all snuggled up for a nap in the sun.

 We also decorated our Christmas tree and put up lights outside, and had breakfast at another of our local staples. All in all, it was a great holiday. I’m already counting down the days until I can go home again. I can’t believe it had been a year since the last time I made it down there. Too long. Way too long.

 

A month later.

Phew, it’s been a month (to the day) since my last post. Craziness. So much has happened.

Fall arrived. The leaves changed. A hurricane attacked, and now…. a snowstorm.

It’s certainly been a whirlwind. My university shut down for a week, and several people are still without electricity. I feel lucky to have escaped the worst of the damage myself. Having grown up in Florida where hurricanes are pretty much par for the course, I was shocked to see such devastation from such a low-category storm. It was barely a hurricane, but the damage is unbelievable. My heart goes out to everyone who lost so much. It’s just unfathomable.

And, now with this snow storm…. goodness. I hope everyone stays well and safe and warm. As for me, well, a friend and I left class to find this:

So… what did we do? We had an impromptu snowball fight of course – just like the proud displaced southerners we are. And, I made a snow alligator on the trunk of her car. Then, a snowball smashed him. It was the perfect little break after a long, exhausting day. After missing a week of school and having no Internet connection to complete work or get in touch with my students and my professors, I feel more behind than I ever have. Deadlines are approaching so quickly. Thanksgiving is practically tomorrow, and I have no idea how I’m going to manage all of the work I have over the next few weeks. Application season is in full swing, and I just can’t even think straight.

Thank goodness for little moments – like pausing to have a snow fight after class – that remind to breathe, relax, and enjoy things.

I still know how to have fun. That’s encouraging.

 

Sometimes it just doesn’t work out the way I want it to.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been a bit absent on here over the last few weeks. Before I dropped off the face of the earth, I had resolved to be more proactive about blogging – I promised myself I would write something (anything) every day. For a while, I was pretty good at following my resolution. Then, it happened. I skipped one day here, another there, and suddenly weeks had gone by and I’d barely posted anything. Now I’m sitting here feeling guilty about it again.

Sometimes I just feel a lot of pressure, pressure from all sides of my life, every aspect. Part of it comes from my choice to attend graduate school. Graduate school requires work. Work has deadlines, and deadlines create pressure. But, I really don’t think school pressure is my problem. I’ve felt school pressure since I entered kindergarten. I think it’s been more personal pressure that’s been bogging me down lately. What do I mean by personal pressure? I mean the pressure I put on myself for no reason, the anxiety I create because I don’t know how to feel secure in myself or my abilities, the need I have to constantly prove myself (again, for no real reason).

I’ve been wondering a lot lately if all this anxiety may come from the fact that I feel like so few people in my life understand what it is I have chosen to do. This life I’ve decided to lead is not normal, not really. Is it just a way of postponing the real world? Maybe. Is it a way to escape the job market? Perhaps. Is it something that requires all I have and more? Definitely. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just burning out, but then things like the conference I attended and presented a paper at this weekend confirm my desire to be here and remind me why I ever thought this was a good idea. Maybe all I need is to be surrounded by people as crazy as I am more often.

I’ve also been wondering if it may just be the town I live in that has me bogged down lately. I have very little ability to go places, to get out of my house and just enjoy small adventures. I have no car, and I don’t trust the bus system near me. It’s not always safe to walk around at night, and I feel trapped sometimes. Then, when I start to feel trapped, I start to imagine my life in different places, places I may want to move to while I pursue a PhD. And, immediately when those three little letters cross my mind, anxiety hits full force. I can’t help it. Perhaps, this anxiety is residual pain from my last experience with graduate school applications which, although it ended on a positive note, still haunts me. I know it’s silly, but sometimes it’s just hard to let go.

About a week ago, I was able to spend some time with my family. We drove all around the northeast and midwest, and I left school completely behind. It was wonderful, five little days of bliss, but it wasn’t reality. And, it certainly wasn’t sustainable. Sustainable. That’s an interesting word, and it brings up a lot of memories in my head. My ex-boyfriend used to talk about sustainability all the time. It drove me a little bit crazy because I believed anything was sustainable if I worked hard enough at it; if I wanted something to continue, I just made decisions that would enable it to continue. Maybe that’s naive. Maybe it’s optimistic. He used to tell me it was silly not to think of the sustainability principle, that to believe things would work out on their own was setting myself up for disappointment in a way. We never really agreed on this point, but lately I’ve been thinking about it more and more. I’ve been wondering if my path is sustainable, if I can keep doing what I’m doing, trusting in the world to help me along and believing I can make things happen for myself, and get where I want to be. Maybe I can. I used to believe I could, but what if I can’t?

What if I’m just incredibly good at feigning competence? What if I’m just a great actress? What if someone finds me out?

In the past, at times like this, I would run across the courtyard, drink some tea with my best friend, and feel better. Sadly, as much as I might want to, I can’t run to Florida in 5 minutes. I’ve had to learn to live without my support system, a support system I thought I’d never be able to leave behind. Saying goodbye to my supports was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and sometimes I feel like I’m constantly doing it over and over. I know that things can never be like they were, but sometimes I just wish they could. This past summer was one of the best times of my entire life. For several months, I simply felt happy, all the time, despite all the craziness going on around me. I felt like nothing could bring me down, like I could conquer anything with my support system at my side. Then, I began to lose them one by one. I moved. Relationships changed; others ended. I felt like my life was completely out of my control, and I’ve been fighting to regain that stability ever since.

In my class tonight, I heard a presentation about the destabilization of centers in Chaucer’s Troilus and Criseyde. At the time, I was merely intrigued by the interesting scholarly implications, but now that I think about it, I’ve been fighting my own battle to regain stability for a while now. Like Criseyde, when I felt overwhelmed I ran to where I felt safest only to find that even there I was not entirely safe, that even that seemingly stable structure could also collapse.

I guess I’ve just been feeling tired lately, tired of searching for happiness and not finding it where I thought it would be; tired of looking for security, and feeling abandoned again and again; and tired of wanting my life to be something it isn’t and may never be. It’s exhausting living like that, and I’ve decided I don’t want to do it anymore.

I want to post consistently again. I want to use this forum for what it’s always been – an outlet. I want to make the changes I’m scared to make and try the things that terrify me. I want to let go of feeling like I need validation and security from others.

I want to trust myself again.

April Fools

It’s been so long since I posted that this post showing up probably seems like an April Fools joke to my regular readers. I apologize for the absence, but sometimes life just gets in the way. After making it back from my trip, I started to prepare for next week when I will once again be road-tripping across several states. Wednesday night, my parents and youngest arrive from south Florida, and on Thursday, we’re all  headed to Michigan to see my other little brother. Then, we’re packing up and heading to Chicago where we’ll pick up my older brother (who’s flying in from Orlando) and head over to see my grandma, aunt, and cousins for Easter. It’s been so long since I’ve seen them that I can’t even remember exactly how old I was the last time. Then, my parents and younger brother are heading back with me to spend a few days exploring my little university town and its surrounding areas. It’ll be so nice to show them around.

However, in the midst of trying to get all my work done so I will have time to enjoy my parents’ visit, I came down with a second bout of the plague. I’m usually never sick, but the crazy, temperamental weather we’ve been having has been wreaking havoc on my immune system.

Anyway, I’ve also been busy busy busy with some exciting developments. My two conference presentations are coming closer and closer, and I recently interviewed for a teaching position for next year. It would be a delight to get the job, and I can’t wait until I hear back (which should be sometime in the next week). Lastly, I have an interview on Wednesday for an exciting tutoring position with student athletes. It would be great to add both of these experiences to my work with Disability Support Services, and I am anxiously awaiting the day when I know if they will be mine. Keep your fingers crossed for me, ok?

So, it seems I’ve finally returned to simply say I’ll be gone for a while again. I’m not sure how much access I’ll have to my computer during my travels, so by the end of the week, I may disappear for a few days again. Please stick with me. I’ll try to make my posts until then especially fantastic. No promises, though.

5 Things.

Today I decided five things about my future.

1. After waking up to a weather report that said “Currently feels like 3,” I decided I will never be sad to visit my parents in sunny south Florida no matter where I end up in the future.

2. Ice is incredibly slippery and should be avoided at all times while walking. Ice is also very sneaky and often disguises itself as soft, non-slippery snow. I will no longer trust ice.

3. If I end up settling down in a cold, snowy place, I will need to have a son ASAP so that I will always have someone to shovel my driveway and sidewalk.

4. Eating well is expensive and confusing. I received a wonderful vegetarian cookbook for Christmas and promised my mom that I would try out two new recipes a week. Last night I picked out two dishes that sounded wonderful and not too complicated and today I set off for the store. I spent the same amount of money buying the ingredients for those two recipes as I do on a normal basis. I suppose I’ll have to take solace in the fact that each recipe yields about 6 servings so I should be set for a while on freezer leftovers after another week or so of this. I decided I may scale back to one new recipe a week then.

5. I love snow. It’s wonderfully beautiful and delightfully crunchy under my boots. I love kicking it with my toes and seeing it sparkle in the sunlight. I love the way trails of footprints stay in the fresh powdery coating and the way cars look like frosted cupcakes on the side of the road. I am a Florida girl at heart, but I do love snow. I think I’d like to live where it snows forever.

All things Korean.

Last night, three of my friends and I traversed the state to find some Korean food. Two of them, let’s call them CP and BH, lived and worked in Korea for several years after completing their undergraduate studies and had been missing some of the delicious treats they discovered while there. The other two of us were just along for the ride. We left around 5:30, and found the H-Mart around 7:something. The drive was supposed to take 20 minutes, but we had unanimously decided to “avoid highways” on the way there. Daniel, CP’s trusty British GPS, promised us this option would only add an extra 11 minutes to our journey, but as we continued driving, his estimated time of arrival adjusted every few minutes making us wonder if we’d hit Philly before we found the H-Mart.

Eventually, however, we arrived, and the drive was definitely worth it. I’d never eaten Korean food before, so I followed CP’s lead as she steered me away from meat-filled dishes and extra-spicy sauces. I’m a bit of a chicken when it comes to spice. I soon found out that Korean food is not very friendly to vegetarians. CP and BH ordered a stew-like dish that I believe was called Kimchi Jjigae, and the rest of us (both vegetarian and newcomers to Korean cuisine) ordered some Korean Sticky Noodles. The menu and the lady behind the counter promised us these noodles were vegetarian; however, as we began to eat, my friend and I discovered that “vegetarian” apparently means “no meat except the beef we sprinkle all over the top.” Fortunately, chopsticks make excellent tools for picking tiny pieces of ground beef out of noodles. Hurdle one: leapt.

Unfortunately, however, chopsticks are useless when attempting to eat sticky noodles. We soon found that even our plastic forks would do nothing to help us break up the solid mass of noodles sitting in the bottoms of our bowls. So, while we started on some soup and some seaweed rolls, CP requested some scissors from the kitchen. The four of us could barely contain our laughter as she then proceeded to chop our noodles into manageable bits with literally some kitchen shears. Hurdle two: leapt.

After dinner, we walked around the huge Korean market. I was amazed and intrigued by everything I found. Saddened by the fact that I couldn’t purchase anything to make on my own (because I am headed to Florida for a month-long vacation on Tuesday), I made a mental note of everything I wan to pick up and try on our next visit. I’m not sure that Korean food is my new favorite or that I’d do particularly well living over there, but I sure had a great time. Perhaps, friendship truly is a panacea.

Here are some highlights from our journey:

Did I mention we have plans to return for Korean Karaoke?

I want it to be Tuesday.

I am so close to the end of Finals Season 2011. I can feel it: relaxation, Florida, family, home. It’s all right around the corner, but still so far away. The days seem to be moving more and more slowly as I knock things off my to-do list. Isn’t that how it always works, though? When you have a billion things to do, there are three seconds in which to accomplish them, and when you have nothing to do, hours seem to last lifetimes. That’s my life anyway.

Actually, here’s my life over the last few days.

Exciting, eh? Oh well. I came to peace with the fact that my life will revolve around books and cats for the… well, forever, I suppose. As Phil Dunphy so eloquently explained to Alex, the academically-inclined female doesn’t have much to choose from other than books and cats. Lucky me, I get both. So, in good graduate student fashion, here I am sitting in the library creating an outline for my exam tonight and clicking through pictures of cats on the Internet.

Tuesday, please get here soon.

He loves me. He loves me.

I’m pretty sure that having a pet is one of the greatest things ever in this world (or any other).

I flew home to Florida for Thanksgiving and was gone for about five days. My friend and neighbor offered to feed Clark for me, so I left him here under her care. At the last minute, as I walked out my door at four in the morning to catch my flight, I almost scooped him up and took him with me. He gave me one of those “You’re leaving?” sad-eye looks, and it took all my resolve to close and lock the door with him on the other side.

I missed him the whole time I was home. The whole time.

I wondered if he missed me too, if he was lonely or cold sleeping alone in my apartment for the first time in his short life. Returning home last night, my questions were answered.

He missed me. He missed me a lot, and he’s determined to never let me leave again.

Clark hasn’t left my side since I came in the door last night. He’s almost tripped me a dozen times because every time I get up to walk anywhere, he follows so closely I can’t help but tumble over him. He even refuses to leave my lap to eat unless I sit on the floor next to him the whole time. Last night he slept on top of me – literally. Not next to me, not snuggled super close to me. On top of me. Today, he’s either been sitting on my lap or lying right in front of the door, stretched out to cover the whole space I need to be in to open it, as if he’s guarding the only exit.

If anyone wonders if animals have souls, I’m here to say they do. Clark wants nothing more than to be with me, and lucky for him, I feel the same. Our relationship has no complications, and he never tells me to come back later. When I need him, he’s there by my side, on my lap, purring and snuggling. No matter how many times I ignore him in an attempt to complete my homework, he always comes back, no holds barred, full of love. It’s kind of magical.

One more reason I know Clark loves me:

He even wore a Christmas collar with jingle bells for me.

And then I woke up.

I’m a big believer in fate.

Those who know I come from a religious background might question this, but fate can take many forms. Does it matter if God, gods, or bundles of sticks are controlling things? Not really. I have my own beliefs in the behind-the-scenes of it all, but the essential and important part is that I believe in fate.

Not the kind of fate that means I have no free will or that my life is predetermined by my saved or reprobate soul (sorry Calvin) or the kind of fate that one can ruin by making the wrong choices throughout life (sorry ancient gods of yore). I just believe that life presents us with situations and events that we need. They could be as simple as getting stuck in a rain shower with no umbrella to remind us that we should be more organized or as complex as a relationship meant to change our lives and alter our perceptions of the world.

I believe that fate will take me where I need to be in life. This place may not be where I envisioned it to be, and the path may not be the one I planned out for myself. Yet, I know and truly believe that it will be what is right for me and right in my life.

It seems easy, right? Just believe in fate and all will be great. Well, no. Like I said, I don’t believe that fate will simply hand me everything I want. If I want my life to go a certain way, I need to work for it. If I do, fate will make sure that I get where I’m supposed to be.

Perhaps an example will help clarify some points:

When I was applying to colleges for my undergrad studies, I had my heart set on moving out of state. I knew that CUA was the place I needed to be. I could feel it, and I wanted it so badly. I made sure that I got myself into a position come high school graduation to make this dream a reality. As much as I knew CUA was the place I needed to be, I knew that UCF was the place I did not want to be, the place that would be a terrible life decision. I’m sure that many of you are laughing right now. See, I lost hours and hours of sleep trying to figure out why I couldn’t commit to CUA. Everything had worked out like I’d planned, but something was stopping me from sending in my deposit check. Then, I woke up one morning knowing that I needed to attend UCF, knowing without a doubt that I needed to be there. I sent in the deposit check that afternoon.

I joke around sometimes, saying that I was divinely inspired to choose UCF for my post-secondary education. It makes for a more exciting tale that way, but the truth is I have no idea why I suddenly changed my mind. Fate.

I suppose there’s no saying that I wouldn’t have found a best friend in Washington, DC or that I wouldn’t have succeeded in my classes. I’m sure I would have. I may even had to chance to study abroad and to fall in love with Medieval literature, maybe. I’m not sure what about my life at UCF was so fated for me to experience, but I know that I don’t regret it and that, for whatever reason, I was meant to be there. I am who I am today because of it.

This belief in fate was difficult to hold on to when applying to graduate schools. I watched dream school after dream school turn me down, say I wasn’t good enough, thanks but no thanks. I thought I’d run out of options, that my dreams would have to wait. Then, I realized that I had all the power in the world to make things happen the way I wanted them to and ended up at a school more perfect than I believed was possible.

I don’t know exactly why I’m here. Maybe to prove to myself that I can leave everything behind and start all over on my own, far from home. Maybe to meet someone who will change my life. Maybe simply to adopt the cutest little black kitten so that he will have someone to love him for the rest of his life. Maybe, like my time at UCF, I’ll never know.

It’s been difficult remaining firm in my faith in fate as I begin to prepare for another round of PhD applications. I’d wanted to be done with this whole process, but I’ve been trying, truly trying, to approach it from a better place this time. Maybe it won’t work out the way I want it to, but it will work out the way I need it to.

Never far enough.

Sometimes I wonder why life plays cruel tricks on us. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve resolved to forget something, or to wipe it from my mind, only to find reminders of it around every corner.

In high school I couldn’t wait for college. By the middle of my Senior year, I was ready to be gone. I wanted a whole new life in a whole new place. I wanted to move beyond high school, to leave it in the past, and to embrace something entirely new. Looking back, I know this feeling of restlessness and my somewhat overwhelming feeling of needing to escape led to my obsession with moving out of state. As those of you who know me or who can recall old posts know, I did not leave my home state of Florida for college. I moved from Fort Lauderdale to Orlando – a whole three hours away. As soon as I started at UCF, I found reminders of home and my high school everywhere. I saw people from back home in my classes and walking around campus, my high school played the football states championship game in Orlando, and on and on. I felt like I’d never be far enough away from it all.

I cannot say that I felt the same when leaving UCF as I did when leaving my high school. I was so connected to UCF and to Orlando; my whole life was there. Yet, I finally achieved my goal of moving to a new state. As a friend of mine said the day before I left Florida for good, “You’ve finally done what you always said you wanted to do. That must feel great.” And it did, and it does. You learn things about yourself when you leave behind everything you’ve ever known and loved in order to pursue a dream – things that you’d never learn any other way.

I have grown and changed and become a new person in the few short weeks I’ve been here, but I’ve also been clinging to aspects of my life in Orlando. I’ve been wishing that I could have moved them here with me – my favorite UCF Starbucks, UCF’s beautiful campus that I knew like the back of my hand, my RA apartment, my level of comfort, everyone I care about. Recent events, however, have taught me that clinging to the past is the best way to ruin the present and to occlude the future. In some respects I’ve embraced my completely new life here, but under the surface, I know I’ve been desperately clutching at my comfortable UCF existence – at lunches with my older brother every week, at living mere feet from my best friend, at everything that made my life so perfect for the last few years.

I need to stop. I need to stop wishing that my UCF life will magically repeat itself here. I need to stop looking for people I know and love around every corner. I need to accept that everything is different now, even me.

And as I try to move forward, just when I think I’m no longer homesick or wishing to rewind time to the gloriousness of the summer, I’m reminded of all that I left behind in Orlando. An episode of House Hunters featured the Winter Park Farmer’s Market this afternoon, and I almost cried. I had to change the channel. I couldn’t take it – all the talk about people loving and enjoying the things I can no longer have, the things that are no longer a part of my life, the memories I want so desperately to be more than memories.

The other day I came across a quote while browsing my Pinterest feed.

You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

It’s time for me to stop re-reading, revisiting, and attempting to rewind. It’s time for me to acknowledge the passage of time, the change of place, and the birth of a new me.

I suppose it’s time to let go.