I thought long and hard about submitting this post. I thought at first that I wouldn’t actually publish it, that it may be crossing the boundary I set for myself of what I share here and what stays private. But, in the end, I figured it couldn’t hurt. Plus, I’ve been worrying about it for five days, so I thought writing this post might help me get it off my mind.
I passed out on Sunday. Again. Yes, this has happened before. A few times, but not for a while. I’m ok. It wasn’t a huge deal and not something I haven’t dealt with before. I also had wonderful friends who took great care of me and a sweet little kitty nurse named Clark. What annoys me is that ever since the last time this happened, over two years ago, I’ve been really good about following the instructions I’ve gotten from 100 different doctors. See, every doctor I’ve seen has had a different explanation for why this keeps happening and a different set of precautions for me to take, but none of them are sure. Most of them are just guessing. I guess that’s what medicine is kind of about, but I’d still really like to know what’s going on with me.
I usually don’t share this information too cavalierly. It’s not like it’s a huge lock-and-key secret or anything, but mostly only my family and good friends know (minus the few hundred people who witnessed my episode two years ago in the middle of the student union). I’m just frustrated. My mom doesn’t understand why it frustrates me so much, and I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s just the thought that I can’t control it, I suppose. I mean one second I was walking down the street with my neighbor on our way back from the library, and the next second I was on the ground. It’s annoying. I want to know why. I want to understand.
I’m not sure what my next step will be. I’ve seen a zillion different doctors – including a whole slew of ER ones – and tried to do some research on my own, but nothing has resulted in a diagnosis, a solution, a reason for this. I guess for now, I’ll just hope I go another two years without an episode and hope that I have good friends to take care of me if needed in the future.
